Me. At least after what I've been through.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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