I got chris browned last night
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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