Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
