It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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