Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
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