Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
