i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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