I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Green mimosas i think yes
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
