I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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