fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
