scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
When did angry sex become our thing?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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