I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
