Sponge bath it is.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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