I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
There's always time for handjobs
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
