Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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