I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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