YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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