Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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