help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
