I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
