Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize