She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
