i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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