One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
