He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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