i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
