Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
