Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
