i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
