Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
