i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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