So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
