shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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