The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
