my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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