i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
