You smell like a Billy Joel song
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
