is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
