I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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