I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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