They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Barsexuality is the new black.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize