insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros, bitch!
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
