New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
