if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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