I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
