Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
