I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
