I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Randomize
