Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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