Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
