I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
