Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
