Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
