I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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