break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
