i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
