you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
